The Forgotten Victims

Years ago when I was in Seminary, I served with the Louisville Division of Police.
The very first night I was riding with another officer in the second district; we had arrested a woman who was high on crack. There was a long line at the jail to lock up bad guys and we had to wait. As she was being uncuffed, this female who weighed about 95 pounds wet, spun around and punched me right in the nose.
That's when I learned that there was another side to police work.

With cancer, or any true suffering in life, there is another side to it - a side which contains forgotten victims of the disease.
On various degrees, the members of my church are suffering from cancer; friends inside and outside the ministry have taken blows; my siblings; my mother; definitely my children are suffering; but the person who I am watching suffer the most isn't the man in the mirror - it is my wife.
I have watched her suffer through this with me; she's a forgotten victim of the suffering. But in it all, I haven't seen a different person; she didn't suddenly get spiritual.

No, what has happened is through the pain she feels for me, her spirituality and love has been magnified. And that's how it should be.

'An honorable wife is her husband's crown;
but a wife who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.'
    - Proverbs 12:4

- My wife is the first half of this verse; she has become a crown of strength during this time. I wish other men whom I have seen go through difficult times and periods of suffering had the same advantage I have in her. Many do not - and it just isn't right.

Once I knew a man who was severely injured in a motorcycle accident. He had lost many of the normal functions of life. His wife's response - 'I didn't sign up for this...' Soon afterwards, she divorced him.
Truly, she was rottenness in his bones.
But there are other women I have watched - they didn't walk away when suffering came, but they still acted shameful and unruly; they caused the same rotting and hardened heart in their spouse.

It isn't easy being married; it's just that simple and it doesn't matter to whom you are married. Nobody has a perfect marriage, regardless of how much we would like to believe they should be.
In our day and age, Hollywood tells us through movies and TV how marriage is suppose to be - happy endings and all. But they lie.
I mean, seriously?
Am I to believe people who can't stay married more than a couple of months are the world's best examples for the perfect life with my spouse? You've got to be kidding me.

Not so long ago, I was asked what the number one reason in my opinion that so many divorces are occurring at such an alarming rate in our society. Without hesitation, without equivocation, I said, 'selfishness.'
Society will tell you finances, different world views and political views; they will tell you it is issues with the couple's children. That's what the world will say.
In all the marital counseling I have done - it boils down to selfishness; thinking too much of themselves and not enough of the other person.

Why do people have affairs? Thinking more about themselves than their spouse.
Why are people hateful to their spouse and gripe all the time? They don't want to give a little grace.
Why are some lazy and won't work? They want to live a care-free life at the expense of the other.

Friend, if I have learned anything about married life - it is the selfless behavior of one person for the benefit of another which demonstrates true love. This is the type of love that God showed us through Christ; it is the type of love that we are to show one another in the one-flesh union we call marriage.

Having said this, let me repeat that it isn't easy; nobody said it was easy. I am certain in wasn't easy for God to give His Son, but He did. It isn't easy to seek to be selfless in our marriages, but we can do it.

In our life together, we have had struggles and trying times like any one else; preachers are not immune from the temptations, trials or the suffering that comes to a human life. We are affected the same way as everybody else; but like everybody else - we can overcome, but only if we know our spouse is walking with us and supporting us.
And it doesn't matter if you are male or female - we need each other.

In our life together, my wife has watched me struggle in many ways and has been my greatest supporter and fan throughout the years. Can you say that about your spouse? Have you been your spouse's greatest supporter? If not, why?

After the early years in college, she watched me fight through seminary while in the police department. But God blessed us.
In the church setting, early on there were some who tried to run me out of the pastorate; it was a struggle. To her, she was watching the person she loved most be crucified. But God protected us.
When we began to desire children, we struggled for years before our first child was born. And that's difficult when all you have ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother. But God answered our prayer - which is why our first child is named 'Samuel,' for God hears.
And now, she is watching me suffer through cancer - it is a battle of life and death. And it really isn't fair to her; I absolutely despise watching her watch me go through this. But she will and she will do her best to be a rock I can lean on because that is the type of woman she is.

While I hurt physically, I know she is hurting as well; there is a helplessness concerning this because there is nothing I can do to make this 'all better.' And there is nothing she can do to help me survive.
What is most disappointing to me is that when I look back on our lives together, I can see where she has given much; she would say the same about me (but she doesn't have a blog) but I wish I could have given more, loved more, understood more often, led better spiritually and otherwise.

The most amazing thing about my wife is her spiritual strength and her endless encouragement and support. Not once has she ever given up hope in this situation; that has been hard when you ride the roller coaster of information from cancer doctors.
The woman is constantly in prayer - and I have seen many of her prayers answered.
It is as if God stops everything He is doing just to listen to her. And you know what the amazing fact is - He does; and He will with any person that will come to the throne of grace.
Many will say this, but she truly believes it. And that belief, makes all the difference in the world.

Several weeks ago, I had myself buried - my wife has never even hinted that this story could end in a cemetery. From this faith - I have seen her love from years past magnified. Some spouses feign support; hers is real.

My wife doesn't know the inner workings of theological studies; she hasn't mastered the Bible, she hasn't taken one class on prophecy or ever had a degree from a seminary; but she believes with all her heart in the faithfulness of the Living Lord. And in the most desperate times or in the best of times - that's all you really need to be encouraged by the saints of God.
If you could ever see her pray, you would know in an instant what I'm talking about.

In truth, I wish every married couple could have what I have in my spouse from one another. But because of our own pride and society's dislike toward traditional values, spouses with this type of attitude and support are becoming fewer and farther between.

Scripture commands for wives to submit to their husbands and for the husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. These are commands, which means that we can do it - God doesn't command impossibilities.
Some have used those verses to support a twisted, dictator type of relationship in the home; nothing could be further from the truth and so far out of the will of God.
The truth is that men and women are equal before God; we've just been created for different roles within the home. And it truly is that simple.
Neither is greater than the other; we're just different because God created us different that He might make us one in the marriage union.

The marriage union is to reflect Christ's relationship with the Church; that means He has put headship in the home - and that's the responsibility of the husband. One of the root causes of dysfunctional families is the husband not serving as the spiritual head of the family.
If that is you - stop messing this up and lead as Christ has led; without hesitation, without expectation but full of grace.
And ladies, if your husband is seeking to lead, let him lead. Men are not perfect and we will get it wrong; that's why we need your love, encouragement and compassion - not your criticism.
All criticism will do for either spouse is make you silently despise the other one.

Let me tell you a truth - if you wait to show your love for your spouse for the time when they are suffering or hurting; it is too late. The reason is because you have damaged the entire marriage through years of careless, uncaring, loveless comments, actions and criticism.
What your spouse should see is only a magnification and an intensification of what they have seen throughout your years together. And if they see somebody totally different than the person they are use to living with, your marriage is already in shambles - you just haven't realized it yet.

You know, there is so much I could say on marriage because I have a good one; it has actually been the one bright spot throughout my life. Most people in our day and age cannot say the same; even within the Body of Christ - and that's sad.

Looking back, I can see the great importance of small moments.

If you're married, I hope you can see it in your life. If you know you've criticized too much, cared too little, griped too often about irrelevant things out of pride and arrogance - there's only one way to fix it and that's repentance and telling your spouse exactly where you have made your mistakes.
Don't try to blame something else, blame yourself - that's where true forgiveness is found, in people who willingly accept responsibility for wrong acts.
And if your spouse comes to you with regret and apologizes; receive them as the Lord has received you and then never bring it up again.

That's what Jesus did with our sins and that is what we should do with the sins of one another when they are truly repented of and truly forgiven.

Without question, I am in my darkest hour with cancer.
But when I see my wife in her strength, in her prayer and in her confidence of God's work in this situation; though my day may be dark, a bright light of hope from the Creator shines to me through her.

And that is what every married couple needs from one another every day of their lives.
You can have this by giving your heart to Christ first, then giving yourselves to one another each day of your lives as you seek to be like Him and serve Him.

Regardless of how my struggle and fight with cancer ends, with her at my side - it has truly been                 A Wonderful Life.
I pray you can say the same about your life with your spouse.

Until next time, win one for the good guys.