The Case Against Santa Claus (Satire)

Each year between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day, the people of the world are bombarded with the greatest propaganda in the history of the world; tis the propaganda attempting to force us to believe that one Mr. Kris Kringle, aka 'Santa Claus,' aka 'Pierre

 

Noel,' is on the side of the mass of humanity.

After much research, I have personally discovered there is evidence enough to charge, prosecute and convict the 'Jolly Old Elf' of multiple crimes.

And at the very least, if not imprisoned, he certainly should be banned from the children on the world for the good of decent human society.

It is our contention that the great leader of a bygone era, Burgermeister Meisterburger, was indeed accurate and right in the proclamation to protect his citizens from this man.

Mr. Kringle remains, at least in this author's mind, Public Enemy Number One.

The very character of the man, who routinely frequents shopping malls in his outlandish clothes and sometimes scantily-clad, female elves, holds a character of non-existant integrity that would make the most notorious criminal blush with shame.

Today, we take a break from our normal theological ponderings to consider, above all, the Case Against Santa Claus.


At first, we must consider his cohorts in society; those with home he is said to have frequent encounters with - as attested by the film industry.
There is Mr. E. Bunny, who shameless enters homes throughout North America without invitation, leaving some of the most highly sugar-saturated chocolate behind; influencing our young to commit 'rabbitcide' with chocolate representations of himself.
Whether this is an act of contrition or brainwashing, thinking himself to be some type of god, is unknown.

Then, we must point to an elusive, wing creature who steals the dislocated teeth of children, leaving behind miniscule amounts of money. Yes, it is the one fairy who evidently was bad from his fairy birth. Who knows what contraption or value these horded fangs have?

Could it be a scheme of monopolizing the enamel for some future valuable market to which we are unaware?

And should we mention the man who throws dust in our faces, inducing deep sleep?
Could it be that the Sand Man, E. Bunny, Santa and the rest of his notorious, yet rarely seen friends, are involved in a world-wide crime syndicate operating only at night and the wee hours of the morning?
Time will tell.


As for Mr. Kringle, it is the humble and accurate opinion of this author that he has evaded authorities and consistently skirted laws for years.


Take for example the clear evasion of privacy through an annual 'breaking and entering' campaign, which takes place on the holiest night of the year; the eve of our Lord's birth.
It is quite the criminal genius which can determine the ONE time of year when people will be asleep, so that he can enter their homes, moving about as he pleases.


His entry comes from the chimney; a chimney for crying out loud. And this is done after landing on the roof of each house he enters.
It seems he is not concerned about the shingle damage or the wear and tear of metal roofs on the various homes.


Again, he lands on homes with a flying sleigh.
There are at least two problems with this:
First, what clearance does this man have with the Federal Aviation Administration? Does he even have a license to fly? And if so, how old is this certification?
What type of air traffic must be diverted unsafely off course due to his midnight wanderings throughout the land?
These are issues that must be dealt with by the Federal government; let us hope in President-elect Trump's plan to 'make America great again,' that included is a mission to make our air traffic patterns safe once again.


Secondly, the reindeer pulling the sleigh; this is a huge issue.
Where is PETA or any animal rights organization?

These animals MUST have been somehow genetically altered or under the influence of black magic; it is not normal for a reindeer to fly, especially considering a reindeer can only run about 8 miles per hour, tops.

Do these organizations not care that Kringle could very well be using a synthetic drug for stealth, speed and genetic manipulation?

Something must be done before others discover the secret formula and ruin the natural genetic code of these poor animals.


Also considering his treatment of reindeer - should we not consider his total abuse of power and authority?
Think of it!!!
He idly sat by and allowed one of his reindeer to be excluded and bullied away from the herd because, as American icon Gene Autry revealed, he was not 'allowed to play any reindeer games.'
And then this Mastermind had the nerve and audacity to go back and ask this poor, lonely reindeer for his help the very first time he needed it on a foggy, Christmas Eve.


INSANE BEHAVIOR!!


As a Chaplain in the USAF, I must also point out Mr. Kringle's total disregard for every person of every faith and also his delay, which seems to be discrimination against those located in the region South America.


In the first instance, when have you ever heard of the great Santa Clause frequenting a neighbor of Jewish or Muslim children?

HE WILL NOT!


Can we conclude anything other than this individual could very well hold anti-Semitic and Islamiphobic leanings in his heart?


Secondly, most of the Western World, receives their annual breaking and entering (yet another felony) on Christmas Eve/Christmas Morning.
But this is not the case with children in Mexico, Spain or  the vast majority of South America.
These wonderful individuals must WAIT for him to spread his so-called joy with gifts until 12 Days later, on January 6th.


My question is 'why?'
Why must these children, many of whom are underprivileged, wait?

Without going into great detail, we must mention the habitual and flagrant ignoring of indoor smoking regulations in which he engages.

This man does not even 'Vape;' he recklessly continues to SMOKE a pipe, oftentimes the smoke forming a magic ring above his head.

Then, of course, there is his support of fossil fuels; handing out chunks of coal to some CHILDREN, not even reaching adulthood when it is received.
His lackluster support of the Global Warming contention is quite underwhelming.


And then there is the violation of noise ordinances throughout the land.
It has been previously reported by Mr. Clemet Moore, one man and his wife was awaked from their slumber because of the noise from one referred to as Saint Nick.
In the victim's own words, '...out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, that I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.'


As for his unhealthy lifestyle - living off of milk and cookies!
This would drive any nutrition-minded human being up the wall and down the other side.
How does this man live with himself; he is already overweight but continues to beg for these items in every home he enters.
Certainly, if we do not stop him, diabetes certainly will.


Yet, we must not linger on minor charges; for there are far more important matters to consider.


For example, we must contend that this man is guilty of the WORST type of stalking; predatory behavior concerning our innocent children.
It has been reported across the airwaves famously by none other than Mr. Bruce Springsteen, that Mr. Clause will seek to observe our children at all times.
In reference to such acts and I quote, "He sees you when you are sleeping; He knows when you are awake..."


Can there by anything worse than the unauthorized watching of our children?
Yes, yes there can be and there is; millions upon millions of parents have been deceived by this man and willingly take their children to him so that he can readily listen to their heartfelt desires.


We must stop being duped!
He may use this information, but to what end you may ask.
The answer is so simple and is hiding in plain sight.

It is our contention that Mr. Kringle may very well be the last hold-out of the Soviet Union and Communist Party; a leftover from the Cold War in which he never surrendered.

All we must do is check the obvious and well-know facts; soon the truth will enlighten your mind.

First, Mr. Kringle wears, predominately I might add, the exact same color which is to be found on every Communist flag in the world: BRIGHT RED.


Secondly, he is clouded in secrecy.
We do not know from whence he was born, nor anything about his parents or his education level.

Yet, we do know that he lives in a remote village; residing in a castle above his workers whom he is supposed to support; however, it is my contention that it may very well be forced child labor camps instead of toy workshops, as evidenced by the fact that elves certainly do not exist.

In further evidence, he distributes to the masses, without cost - supposedly.

But all Capitalistic, Freedom-driven citizens know that nothing comes from anywhere that is free.

Finally, Mr. Kringle has engulfed the world with one of the greatest ploys known to man.

Disguised as one of his 'elves,' throughout the world today, one of his highly trained minions rests safely on the shelf of millions of homes, watching and observing the activity of each family.

And what color to these agents of evil wear? RED!!

Just as in the days when the Soviets attempted to get the upper hand on Freedom-loving people everywhere, these agents remain as the last spy syndicate of the Communist Party.

And admittedly, to whom do they report?
To SANTA CLAUS himself!!!


Friends, we must band together to stop this assault on such a sacred holiday and return to sanity as we keep our children safe and away from all harm.

NOTE: The above ramblings is intended as total satire; a joke to which we can all laugh and have a little fun while too many are taking life entirely too serious.
We must laugh, for time on earth is too short and slips away too soon.


I do pray you have a wonderful Christmas.
Until next time, win one for the good guys.