- Bishop Leslie Newbigin
In October 2012, I was diagnosed with Adrenal Cancer and only given a few months to live. In fact, at my very first appointment at the world renown Cleveland Clinic, I was told that I was terminal and they could only extend my life, not save it.
In January and later confirmed in February 2013, I was deemed cancer-free with hope of a full recovery in mind. The firestorm that had happened over the last several months was quenched by the miraculous touch of God.
That time was indeed a miraculous time; it's not everyday that you are the focus of God's healing; but I was and anyone who knew me was part of as well, even if it was in a small way.
Unlike some, I never doubted that God could do something and could heal me; I just didn't know if He would. God can heal every disease and restore every ounce of brokenness, but generally He doesn't.
I determined if I was going to die, I was going to discover why God had taken me down this particular road and to what end and by what manner I could bring Him glory through it.
In that time, I learned a lot about God, about faith and about myself - I pray that those who read this blog have learned things about God, spirituality and themselves as well.
And it seems that we're going to learn more together.
This week it was discovered that there is a fast growing tumor located in my spleen. The truth of it is that I had been having pains in that area but didn't really pay much attention to it.
Now, I have found out that the tumor is nearly as large as the spleen itself; whether this is a malignant tumor or benign, it remains to be seen.
The truth is that I'm not all that concerned about the tumor; I don't have any control over it at all - but I do realize my faith is under fire once again and I must ask the question, 'To what end does this glorify God?'
In all honesty, I have never known a day when I did not believe in God.
That's an amazing statement, but true; I may have had doubts but never was it very serious.
It would have been easy to become skeptical about the church or religion or faith as others have in my generation; seriously, look at what we've seen in the realm of religion during our lives.
We have witnessed faked testimonies for the gaining of money, seen hypocrisy of church leaders who say one thing to the crowd but do another in private.
There have been miraculous 'healings' that claimed to be from a man/woman of God - but the person 'healed' died a week later or found out that they weren't sick at all.
Given these things, many in my generation have a strong aversion to church and faith because they have seen it abused so much
My generation has lived through an era religiously, educationally and politically where if someone repeats something long enough - other people start believing it's true, whether it is or not.
During my time in writing this blog, I have often wondered if my struggles and questions of the faith were affecting others in a way that glorified God and led them into a deeper relationship with Him.
It's a question that you can never really know because people don't leave comments very often; few say anything to me personally - so, you don't actually know.
Yet, in my heart - I believe that I am doing some good because 'God's Word does not return void' and I have attempted to proclaim God's truth and His Word in terms and experiences everyone can relate to.
I can honestly say, it is very hard to explain what it is like when you are told a second time that you might have cancer because you've got a tumor inside of your body.
I guess you could say I'm shaken, but not broken, once again.
In our lives, stability is born of crisis.
If you don't believe it, just think of the people in their 80's or 90's who look back on the Great Depression with great nostalgia. With some, you would think we ought to pray for those times again.
What happens is that we on earth may very well be having a massive crisis; but there is never a crisis in heaven - and it is the Lord of Heaven who intervenes and brings stability to our lives out of that crisis through FAITH.
Faith boils down to trust, our trust of God; and this is true in all of our relationships.
If I did not trust my spouse I could not faith in the fact that she would stay with me another twenty years.
The same is true in our relationship with God; the more you learn to trust Him the more faith you will discover you have.
The giants of the faith all chose to trust God when they hit the proverbial fork in the path of life.
Yet, those who didn't trust Him are remember to us by 'what could have been.' These are people like Saul, Samson and Solomon to some degree.
They had promising futures, but when it came to faith, they relied on themselves rather than trusting God.
In my situation now, just like before, anyone who would trust in themselves instead of God to bring it to a chosen and right end - that person would be an idiot.
Only God can help and solve the problem in these types of situations.
For true believers, faith revolves around a crisis in our personal relationship with God more than any type of intellectual doubt we may have.
If you have any faith in God at all, intellectually you've already known of Him and about Him and have made the decision of trusting Him - but how much is yet to be determined.
The grand question to us all is whether or not God deserves our trust, regardless how things appear at the time?
When my faith is under fire - I have determined He does; in Him I will trust.
To believers in Pakistan this evening, I am certain my small 'trial' seems obscene to them and even insignificant
In comparison, I understand - but it could place a seed of doubt within us.
And the last thing we should ever do when confronted with the trial of faith is doubt; for, it can only lead to disaster.
Looking to Job, the patriarch eventually began to gripe about the fairness of his situation. He was angry at God and wanted answers - who could blame him?
He never questioned God's goodness but still, Job was mad because he didn't understand why he should endure what he endured.
God's response to Job was basically a statement saying that we have no business or competence in trying to figure out what God is doing in the midst of trial and tragedy.
And when it all comes down to it - God does ask Job if he can do better; he can't.
When I am confronted with something I find unfair or unruly or something I think isn't right but out of my control, I have developed a habit of remembering the last 5 chapters of Job.
I may, in the heat of the moment, want to repeat Job's accusations against God; however, I also know that I cannot do better than God in the ordering of the universe or in bringing His Sovereign plan to reality on the earth.
Faith gives us the option in life of continuing to trust God while we accept our limits.
It also means that we can't know fully the answer to all the 'why' questions we have whether it is about a tumor in the spleen or Alabama not making it to the BCS National Championship.
In life, we wonder at times, what role God plays in a boxer accidentally killing his opponent; in a teenage couple losing control in the backseat of a Ford; or in Susan Smith drowning her children in a lake not far from her home.
We may wonder about these things, but the answer is relatively simple.
These aforementioned issues, including my tumor, well - that's the outworking of a life which has been given Free Will on a Fallen Planet.
When Jesus was on the earth, He grieved over much of the same things we grieve over in our lives. What hurts us, hurts Him.
This is a sign that God cares and feels the pain we have far more than we realize.
And because He does - we can trust that all trials and tragedies will be brought to the right end because He is Lord of All.
Until next time, win one for the good guys.
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