The Spouses Who Bring Hope

Of all the people who suffer, it is our spouses who bare a horrible burden and may never speak of it. The truth is that whether it is terminal cancer or some other type of illness that is terminal, 70% of marriage dissolve  within the first year when their partner has been diagnosed.
Only a handful survive and are intact after two years.

The spouse of a person that is terminal must strike a careful balance, but it has been my experience that illness only magnifies what is already present in the marriage.

I read a story about a man who was dying - he was from the Northeast. 
The man and his wife, were pretty much at each other's throat and sniped at each other during the stays in the hospital.
He would say things to her such as 'you didn't use to do...' or  'you use to dress a certain way...' 
These were  comments showing his disapproval and desire for things to return to how they once were.

Instead of attempting to allow him to relive happier times as his date with deity approached, his wife returned the volley of fire with her own comments - only they were much more sharp. 
She would say things referring to his impending death and wishing aloud that he would 'go ahead and get it over with.' 
She would also wonder aloud about the future by asking who would want a widow with an 8 and 10 year old pair of boys.

In our marriages, when we are dying, or a tragedy strikes - it only magnifies what is already present. Whatever lies under the surface will come to the surface and will be multiplied greatly.

The truth about a person who is dying is that healing, as I have been healed, is only one resolution to the sickness. The other resolution which is far more common, is death.  
And for those of us who are healed, the simple fact is that we have only delayed our impending death. 
It is still coming - God just stayed the execution date for a little while.

When I was dying and was expected to die - the greatest support I had was definitely my wife. I realize not everybody is as blessed as I am in this arena, but I would say that the most important support role is in our spouses.
Certainly my family played a role, my mother larger than my siblings.
 My wife's family didn't really play any role at all - truthfully, they haven't contacted me and haven't spoken with me since I was diagnosed or since I've been healed. Which I do find odd.
Our church was a fantastic support; although the state convention were slackers.
And the Air Force, both Guard and Active Duty brothers and sisters - they were great and still support Chaplain Jack.
But overall, it was my wife who played the largest role of support. And that's how it should be.

In the palm of our spouses truly is the will to live for the one who suffers.

The situation I described above with the man and his wife - why in the world would a man desire to live with his wife making comments such as this? (If he'd actually lived, he'd probably left her.)
But, on the other hand,  we must also be cautious of the other extreme - too much 'helping.' 

The spouses of terminal patients must strike an unfamiliar balance between 'helping' their loved one and 'helping' too much to the point where the person feels a loss of control. 
The person you love who is terminal does not get to eat when they want, they do not get to sleep when they want, if in a hospital - other people remove fluids from their body without permission and give them pills they 'must' take.

Your loved one already has lost a ton of control in their life; if you love them, be careful not to add to the emotional and psychological pain. 
It is a delicate balance; it is a hard balance - but you may bring more hope in these small things through your actions than anybody else because you are closer to them than anyone else.
And you would be surprised how far a little shot of hope will go to a person who is going to die.

Drug companies use double blind drug tests. If doctors know which drug is the placebo and which is the real drug, it will skew the results. The reason is because of the power of human hope. Without thinking, doctors will naturally and unknowingly skew the results because they will believe the patient will recover.
The human hope factor is real and it is effective.
If you are the spouse of a terminal patient - you, in your actions, words and projections can bring more healing in hope than you can ever realize.

Today, you have been given another day of life with the one you love; be thankful for this day because it does bring hope for tomorrow. 
One man rightly stated:
"I do not look upon each day as another day closer to death, but as another day of life, to be appreciated and enjoyed."

If you can see yourself as a person who is ministering to the one you love, the hope you bring to their hearts and minds will lead them to living another day 'to be appreciated and enjoyed.'

While modern Christianity has an emphasis on 'what can you do for me' in this instant, I would point you to a greater hope beyond what you and I can bring - it is the hope of the resurrection.
In our age, we have become ashamed of speaking of immortality, the rewards to come and the resurrection to life - but what greater hope is there to man who's body has deteriorated because of cancer, or to a couple who lost their infant child, or of a brain-damaged teenager? 
What greater hope is there than restoration to things how they ought to be?
There is none.
Jesus Christ is the greatest hope you and I could have in this life or in the next.

As you, the spouse of the person who is terminal provides hope; pray that you will not be timid to speak of the eternal hope in Christ. 
Hope of eternal healing and perfection after death is a worth hope for all people.

Until next time, try to win one for the good guys.