Many of the people I know believed that this was the first step in a long journey toward death.
And why wouldn't they? I was diagnosed as being Stage 4 Cancer, meaning it had spread; nobody survives Stage 4.
When the tumor was removed, everything began to change.
The tumor was the size of a softball and had been undetected for years.
All issues with blood or hormones soon faded into the sunset; there was nothing preventing them to be regulated normally.
Later, in January, I underwent a second surgery which removed a portion of my lung and lymph nodes.
As I awoke, the doctors and nurses were standing over me telling me that I didn't have cancer.
I became one of the few to join the ranks of the cancer survivors who had definitely been touched and healed by the very hand of God.
The experience makes you thankful for every breath; as every breath becomes worship.
And so, the disease called adrenal cancer and hystoplasmosa, had been eradicated.
I was told that there were very few who had what I had, get up and walk out of the hospital.
What was supposed to be death turned into a second chance at life - and I am truly thankful.
With that said, I can honestly say that I have never known a time when I did not believe; there was never a time when I doubted either the existence or the power of God.
To me, it has always been a fact of life; a fact that has brought to me much comfort and joy over the years.
Yet, that is not to say that I haven't had my doubts in the journey we call faith; for, I have.
And the funny thing is that if you read the teachings of Jesus in the Gospels, He sometimes made it more difficult to believe than easier.
After a strong teaching to a group of Jewish men about 'eating' His 'flesh' and 'drinking' His 'blood' and being the Bread of Life, Jesus saw many followers simply walk away.
To them, this was one of the most repulsive statements - EVER.
As they left, Jesus turned to the disciples and the following conversation is recorded:
"Jesus said to the twelve, "You do not want to go away also, do you?"
68 Simon Peter answered Him, "Lord, to whom shall we go?"
(John 6:67-68)
To put it in modern language - 'Why do we stick around?'
And the answer is still the same - 'Where would we go?'
The reason this answer still rings true is because even with the doubts we may have about faith, the only thing harder than having a difficult relationship with God is NOT having a relationship with Him at all.
In my medical/health struggles over the past year, I have discovered that faith tends to appear where you least expect it and it will almost certainly falter where it should be thriving.
But this is not limited to our era; even those closest to Jesus Christ doubted when troubling times came.
For example, John the Baptist from his prison cell sent his disciples to Jesus to see if they should wait on another. This happened after John had heard the Voice from heaven declaring Jesus God's Son. And of John the Baptist, Jesus said no greater man born of woman had existed than him.
So, if he had his doubts, it's understandable that we may have ours.
But John wasn't alone: Thomas doubted, Peter cursed and Judas betrayed - all of this happened in a few days within each other after three years of ministry.
Yet, Scripturally, it seems that Jesus worked with whatever faith was given to Him; and as faith is given to Him, more is gained through Him.
We tend to divide into "faith types" like we do our 'personality types.' Those that are prayer warriors tend to congregate together, those that are students of the Word and those who express their faith through music - all of them come together with like-minded faith.
But all have one thing in common - across the board regardless of faith type or denomination; everybody at some point has doubt.
Doubt is the skeleton in the closet of faith.
Some try to hide it, push it down, mask it - but that's not how you deal with doubt. The only way to deal with questions or doubt is to expose it.
We should never treat doubt as an enemy if it is an honest doubt to learn from God; you see, many of the great heroes of the faith in the Bible struggled with this crisis of doubt throughout their lives.
What you find in the Scripture is men and women whose faith coexists with doubt and as a result, their faith grows stronger and stronger.
In the poetic books of the Bible, we are shown in the struggles of those who write that God understands the value of human doubt. Example after example shows us that God realizes we will have doubts because our understanding of Him is based only on what He has revealed of Himself to us personally.
Modern psychology tells us that we can't eliminate our feelings; therefore, we should go ahead and express them openly.
And wonders of wonders - the Bible agrees.
Church leaders and theologians also agree, as evidenced by the writings from the Christian past:
- Martin Luther constantly battled doubt and depression.
- Puritan Richard Baxter said that he rested his faith on 'probabilities instead of full undoubted certainties.'
- Increase Mather, in his diary, had stated that he was 'Greatly molested with temptations to Atheism.'
- Dwight L. Moody, a great man of faith, but few know that a Boston church delayed his application to join because when interviewed, his beliefs seemed so uncertain.
- Missionary C. F. Andrews was unable to lead a Indian congregation in the Athanasian Creed because of his doubts.
Yet, each of these men were great men of faith and all of them grew spiritually with their skeletons of doubt.
The truth is that Christians are loyal traitors as subjects of our King; we are rebels, yet we are still loyal to God as much as a fallen human can be.
In our society politically, the atmosphere is such today that if an individual or an organization disagrees with the government, the over-taxation, the continual lies over healthcare, the operations of the war or any other issue - that person is immediately condemned and written off as a racist or a 'hater.'
God doesn't react so immaturely, even though in the past the official church did.
You see, the doubters in the past history of the Church are the very ones who questioned ideas of the church and state based on the Word.
Church officials insisted the world was flat; Columbus sailed to spread the Gospel to India, but found a New World.
They proclaimed that medicines were against God's will, but supported slavery and ranked races as inferior to one another as well as the female gender.
Their questions brought condemnation on themselves - but they changed the world for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. In short, I can honestly say that I am thankful for their doubt with social issues and the doubt of the above men of God expressed in their writings - in their doubt, their faith was built and that construction was put into words and passed on to us today.
I have counseled many people with doubts about God, about their marriage, about faith and about life in general. Christians struggle daily - some are ashamed, but they shouldn't be.
The truth is that Blaise Pascal was right, we always see 'too much to deny and too little to be sure.'
That is, unless of course, you have a miracle happen within your own body - then you're always certain of the power of God and treasure the hope which He has given.
The main thing I have learned in my writing, preaching, surgeries, discourses on pain and the Christian, is this truth: Faith is a Trust, it is not a certainty.
In my situation, I knew God was present.
I knew God cared and had compassion.
I knew He had the power to heal.
I also knew that He knew things I could not understand.
Therefore, I wasn't certain how it would end but I trusted Him to end the medical situation according to His great Sovereign plan for my life.
It is His truth playing out in my life - and I am truly thankful for His truth in this matter.
For - truth that does not set free, is not truth at all; His truth has set me free as it will anyone who has doubts about Him in their life.
Until next time, win one for the good guys.
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